c21

For the vision challenged just press ctrl+ until the print gets to where you can read it

4. 28 sept 06
an oldie but worth another run

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would stick him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who created the Universe?" The wife stuck the pin into her husband who wakes suddenly and yells, "My God!" The next time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who died on the cross for you?" She does it again and this time he screams, "Jesus Christ!" Nods of approval all round.... Then the Preacher asks, " And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Of course our hero has nodded off again so the wife stabs him again and he jumps up and yells, "By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I'm going to rip it off you and jam it in your ear!"

because it's Spring ... and because I can

8 flowers
a flower to say i'm thinking of you
a flower to say i care
a flower to keep you strong
a flower for your hair
a flower just for you
a flower for caring for me
a flower to say i love you
& a flower to help you be

4. 21 sept 06
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the bloke mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."....

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. .......... Khalil Gibran

4. 14 sept 06
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed. About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

Love's of itself too sweet; the best of all
Is, when love's honey has a dash of gall.............. Robert Herrick

4. 7 sept 06
There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes. The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

So winter closed its fist
And got it stuck in the pump.
The plunger froze up a lump

In its throat, ice founding itself
Upon iron. The handle
Paralysed at an angle.

Then the twisting of wheat straw
into ropes, lapping them tight
Round stem and snout, then a light

That sent the pump up in a flame
It cooled, we lifted her latch,
Her entrance was wet, and she came...................... Seamus Heaney "Rite of Spring"

Groan.....
................the following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless man, the bishop continued his interviews for a new campanologist. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop... “.... But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

How beautiful the city looks
Adorned in its array
Flowers displayed everywhere
Make streets and gardens and parks so gay.
One is bound to appreciate and admire
The lovely scene all around.
Hats off to you men who
Worked so hard to make
Bath the city of bloom............ Edna Pine

this is VERY bad.......
A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

"I should like to sleep like a cat,
with all the fur of time,
with a tongue rough as flint,
with the dry sex of fire;
and after speaking to no one,
stretch myself over the world,
over roofs and landscapes,
with a passionate desire
to hunt the rats in my dreams................ "Cat's Dream" Pablo Neruda

4. 17 aug 06
Just a pome today C21

Lost in the forest, I broke off a dark twig
and lifted its whisper to my thirsty lips:
maybe it was the voice of the rain crying,
a cracked bell,
or a torn heart.

Something from far off it seemed
deep and secret to me, hidden by the earth,
a shout muffled by huge autumns,
by the moist half-open darkness of the leaves.

Wakening from the dreaming forest there, the hazel-sprig
sang under my tongue, its drifting fragrance
climbed up through my conscious mind

as if suddenly the roots I had left behind
cried out to me, the land I had lost with my childhood---
and I stopped,
wounded by the wandering scent. Pablo Neruda

4. 10 aug 06
A good cat story (almost Reader's Digest)
Dear Abby, We live in a small town in the mid-west. One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." And then he reminded the Vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe"at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor (who is located next door to the vet...as I said, it's a small town). The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and,by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Honour to you who sit
Near to the well of wit,
And drink your fill of it!" ..................... Robert Herrick

4...3 aug 06... O dear, O dear, but it IS haka weather..... and they do so like a stoush....C21
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup match. He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey." said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc!" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!" The second doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was absolutely the only way to deal with the problem. Not surprisingly, Wiremu again refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the big game just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he thought could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness, ey." "What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie 8astards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

so fragile
this space we share
in time and place
needs Jara hands
to keep it
fair

4. 27 jul 06
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The rose is a rose,
And was always a rose.
But the theory now goes
That the apple's a rose,
And the pear is, and so's
The plum, I suppose.
The dear only knows
What will next prove a rose.
You, of course, are a rose -
But were always a rose. Robert Frost

4. 20 jul 06
Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

do as you wish
not as you want
nor as you would
if you could
want that which you wish ............. Marianne Bilicki Remishofsky "Dilemma"

4. 13 jul 06
Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The Queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country." "Well, that may be," Rooney replied, "but she knows 4uck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins..................................... Sheldon Allan Silverstein

4. 06 jul 06
A very cheery Paddy staggered home very late after another dance session with his mate, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "Why would you say such a thing?" "Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, ...... it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,....... it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could even be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly Paddy....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue..................... Pablo Neruda (Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto) 1904 - 1973

4. 29 jun 06
A Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over therrrrre is wherrrre the Scottish PULVERRRRRIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRRRRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish absolutely MURRRRDERRRED the English. About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?" the driver answered "Not when I'm drrrrivin' the bus".

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops - at all .................. Emily Dickinson "Hope"

4. 22 jun 06
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f..ker on your knee!"

And I, infinitesimal being,
drunk with the great starry
void,
likeness, image of
mystery,
felt myself a pure part
of the abyss,
I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind......... Pablo Neruda .. "Poetry"

4. 15 jun 06
An oldie but a goodie
George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me." "Yes. Very good," says the Queen. Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure" says Cheney. "Let me get back to you on that one." Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts "Colin! Can you answer this for me? "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles and says "Thanks." Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Sometimes in the night an hour can take weeks

On the wings of loneliness
I travelled unknown places
Wonder! I know everybody there ........ Aashish Ameya

4. 08 jun 06
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but complains that the portion was much smaller this time around...... "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

I am nothing but the empty net which has gone on ahead
of human eyes, dead in those darknesses,
of fingers accustomed to the triangle, longitudes
on the timid globe of an orange.

I walked around as you do, investigating
the endless star,
and in my net, during the night, I woke up naked,
the only thing caught, a fish trapped inside the wind............. Pablo Neruda

4. 1 jun 06
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit, "Fluffy", in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the man panics. He knows the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and he says to the man, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The man stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back in the cage.

Love's of itself too sweet; the best of all
Is, when love's honey has a dash of gall............... Robert Herrick

4. 25 may 06
A wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked hubby, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, he replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hang on!" the husband interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

" Be still when you have nothing to say;
....... when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot "........... D H Lawrence

" Both saw the small hole open, both heard the tiny click. "................. Delia Falconer - "the lost thoughts of soldiers"

4. 18 may 06
A young man named Johnny bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I'm afraid he's dead." Johnny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Johnny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway." The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Johnny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Johnny, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Johnny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $798.00." Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" Johnny replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really great guy." Johnny grew up and eventually became a Prime Minister, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

"........ together we ratify the silence,
while the sea destroys its perpetual statues,
collapses its towers of wild speed and whiteness:

because in the weavings of those invisible fabrics,
galloping water, incessant sand,
we make the only permanent tenderness"....................... Pablo Neruda (Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto) 1904 - 1973

4. 11 may 06
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for? The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

"Love is the poetry of the senses."........... Honoré de Balzac

I got complaints last week about the joke being too tame........... Ho Hum
A lazy Saturday afternoon and a man is sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbour lady is so outraged at this, she comes over to the fence and shouts at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replies, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

"Vendras conmigo" dije--sin que nadie supiera
donde y como latia mi estado doloroso,
y para mi no habia clavel ni barcarola,
nada sino una herida por el amor abierta ..................... Pablo Neruda

4. 27 apr 06
A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase. "If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing. "Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm, "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...............................William Butler Yeats

4. 20 apr 06
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "Well no, it's not his heart. It's about his state of mind. I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great but he said that when he got up to go to the toilet in the night he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Oh Bugger! He's been peeing in the fridge again!"

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.....................Pablo Neruda Love Sonnet XVII

4a.
"Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. ..... " Jeanne Moreau

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both and be one traveller, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then
took the other, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,.....
...... I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. ...................................................... Robert Frost

4. 06 apr 06
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye
whereupon everyone inside starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

change of season.... i get all gooey

Although I conquer all the earth,
Yet for me there is only one city.
In that city there is for me only one house;
And in that house, one room only;
And in that room, a bed.
And one woman sleeps there,
The shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom....................... Sanskrit Poem

4. 30 mar 06
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell him you have a headache."

This will keep you busy for a while C21.... http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
use your left mouse button to drag & drop if he gets stuck or if you just want to be interactive... enjoy!

Don't say, "Yes!" Just take my hand and dance with me......... Oriah, Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

4. 23 mar 06
A man opens an outdoor stall to sell oranges and puts up a sign, "50 cents each." A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn't take an orange. The next day, he does the same thing. For weeks and then months, this goes on. One day, as he's jogging past, the owner joins step with him. The jogger laughs and says, "I know why you're here. You want to find out why I always put money in the bucket and never take an orange. "No," says the owner, "it's not that. I just need to tell you that oranges have gone up to 60 cents."

The autumn leaves are falling like rain.
Although my neighbours are all barbarians,
and you, you are a thousand miles away,
there are always two cups at my table........... T'ang Dynasty poem

4. 16 mar 06
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. ''You bastard!" says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

"Love, tie me to a purer motion,
to the constancy that beats in your chest
with the wings of a swan underwater,
so that our sleep might answer
all the sky's starry questions with a single key,
with a single door the shadows had closed".......... Pablo Neruda

4. 9 mar 06
A man of one particular ethnic persuasion and another man of a different particular ethnic persuasion were sitting at a small table outside a white stucco café with a little green awning enjoying the Mediterranean sun and drinking very strong coffee while discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes one man says, "Well, we have the [insert name of famous building of one particular ethnic cultural value]". Arching his eyebrows the other man replies, "But we have the [insert name of famous edifice of another particular ethnic cultural value]." The first man retorts, "We gave birth to advanced [insert name of highbrow academic discipline]." The other, nodding in agreement, says, "Ah, but we built the [this that or the other] Empire." And so on and so forth, backwards and forwards they go until the first man comes up with what he obviously thinks will end the discussion. With a grandiose and confident flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" ... After a short silence the other man thoughtfully but quietly replies, "That IS true!..... But it was us who introduced it to women."

Ye flowers that drop, forsaken by the spring,
Ye birds that, left by summer, cease to sing,
Ye trees that fade, when Autumn heats remove,
Say, is not absence death to those who love? .......................... Alexander Pope (1688-1744) Pastorals--Autumn (l. 27)

A wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

If love gets delivered by the truckload, where can I find a bigger truck?..............

4.    23 feb 06
I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.... So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet... After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box:  "Would you like to go down the Fox and Hounds with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again: "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited yet a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting: " HEY You!! Would you like to go to The Fox and Hounds and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: ........................................... "steady on gov!! I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on."

"It is possible to give without loving, but it is impossible to love without giving. ...."   Richard Braunstein

4. 16 feb 06
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that chuffin' hell was that all about?" He asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary-Jane written on it," she replies. "Don't be silly," he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Jane was the name of one of the horses I bet on." His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What on earth was THAT for?" She says, "Your F**KIN' horse phoned!"

"One cannot order the senses.
They surprise one constantly if one keeps aware.
One accepts their messages.
One judges them with imagination.
One celebrates." ................................... Eric Rolls

4. 09 feb 06
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. He then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

'Er name's Doreen ...Well, spare me bloomin' days!
You could er knocked me down wiv 'arf a brick!........
...........
'Er name's Doreen....An' me - that thort I knoo
The ways uv tarts, an' all that smoogin' game!
An' so I ort; fer ain't I known a few?
Yet some'ow ... I dunno. It ain't the same.
I carn't tell wot it is; but all I know,
I've dropped me bundle - an' I'm glad it's so.
Fer when I come ter think uv wot I been....
'Er name's Doreen. ................................... C J Dennis, "The Intro" .. "The Bulletin" 3 August 1911

4.    02 feb 06
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with The Archangel Gabriel......" Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"...........

A man goes into a library and asks to borrow a book on suicide. The librarian says:   "F*** off, you won't bring it back."

"You plus me amounts to We.
And We, with small difference in our concerns, owe disrespect to these blood thirsty days.
Don't let our voices grow tired alone. Weld yours to mine and mine to yours, then, with a solitary cry, We will flush out crows who, disguised as doves, man the bunkers, neatly dressed in white." -   ..................... "Take My Hand" (Glimpses Toward Infinity, Gordon Parks 1996)

4. 26 jan 06
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, " Hello there Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis had died?" "It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing!"

While the cock with lively din
Scatters the rear of darkness thin,
And to the stack or the barn door
Stoutly struts his dames before................................................ John Milton

4.    18 jan 06
A  guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this seems like a perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he is confronted by all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've done the business, he turns to her and asks eagerly, ''So, how was I?'' She yawns and says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

By night, Love, tie your heart to mine, and the two
together in their sleep will defeat the darkness
like a double drum in the forest, pounding
against the thick wall of wet leaves.           ...................... Pablo Neruda

If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?

Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

happy gnu year museos

“It is time to get drunk!
So that you may not be the martyred slaves of Time,
get drunk, get drunk, and never pause for rest!
With wine, poetry, or virtue, as you choose!”................... Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867).....

4. 22 dec 05
A
"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...." ........... Francis Pharcellus Church 1839-1906

4. 15 dec 05
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No way. It is three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside!!." His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, go give him a push and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still here?" "Yesh," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yesh! Pleashe!" comes the reply from the dark "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk."

I'll pu' the budding rose,
when Phoebus peeps in view,
For its like a baumy kiss
o'er her sweet bonnie mou'! ........................ "The Posie" - Robert Burns

4. 8 dec 05
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the man they don't sell rectal deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before. The man assures the pharmacist that he has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the man. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes!" said the man, "I'll go home and get it." He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."..... Annoyed, the man snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She immediately gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

What shall I do with all the days and hours
That must be counted ere I see thy face?
How shall I charm the interval that lowers
Between this time and that sweet time of grace? ....................."Absence" - Frances Anne "Fanny" Kemble (Mrs. Butler) 1811-1893

4. 2 dec 05
Another hospital sponge bath story..... these seem to get you all excited
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath and she hears the man mumble from behind his mask "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black? Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
.......... "Thank you very much. That was lovely, but listen, very closely ... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

"soul meets soul on lovers' lips"........ Percy Bysshe Shelley

4. 24 nov 05
A man goes to a zoo..... But when he gets there, all he sees is one little dog. ..... It was a shih-tzu.

"There are two means of refuge from the misery of life -- music and cats." ....... Albert Schweitzer

4. 17 nov 05
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they approached Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The lass leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

With the rose the butterfly's deep in love,
A thousand times hovering round;
But round itself, all tender like gold
The sun's sweet ray is hovering found... Heinrich Heine 1797-1856 [Book of Songs--New Spring (no. 7)]

4. 10 NOV 05
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three lovers."

"With time she was to become very fond of the curious and useless gift, and would feel a warmth in her heart, and a modest thrill of pleasure every time that she came across them in her small collection of treasures......" Louis de Bernières - "Birds Without Wings"

4. 03 nov 03
Is there anyone who's never dreamed of a vanished age of knights and kings,
When magic danced along the wind, enchanters flew on dragon's wing.
A seed grew in the hearts of men, the first bright flower of chivalry,
And past and present were as one, reaching for infinity.

But in this cold computer age, we fear the future, scorn the past,
And stumble on from day to day, in a world where nothing seems to last.
What can't be proved can't be believed, legends are lies to be dismissed,
Excalibur rusts in its sheath, and Camelot does not exist.

So Lady will you go with me, and leave this barren world behind.
It has no place for such as we, we're out of fashion, out of time.
If you will be my Guinevere, I'll try to be your Lancelot,
Through storms and shadows we shall steer, and come at last to Camelot............... Eric Bogle ("Lancelot & Guinevere")

4. 27 oct 05
The other day I went into town and went to a shop in Lake street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog poo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.........

"To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding
in spite of distances or thoughts expressed..... That can make life a garden." ........... Johan Wolfgang von Goethe 1749 - 1832

4. 20 oct 05
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his little chair at the table. He looks into his little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells . . ."Fer Chris'ssake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

"... if shit ever becomes valuable, the poor will be born without arseholes." ........ Mr Capois Death, Gould's Book of Fish .. Richard Flanagan

4. 13 oct 05
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "but I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

In that book which is my memory . . .
On the first page that is the chapter when I first met you
Appear the words . . . 'Here begins a new life' Star Trek: Voyager .. beautifully misquoting Dante Alighieri (La Vita Nuova - Poems Of Youth)

4. 6 oct 05
Father O'Malley answers the phone..... "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" ... "It is" ... "This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?" ... "I can try" ... "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" ... "I do" ... "Is he a member of your congregation?" ... "He is" ... "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" ... "He will"...

"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!" ......... Edward Lear (The Owl & The Pussycat)

4. 29 sep 05
An elderly man walks into a confessional...... Man says: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s.e.x with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm not a Catholic at all, I'm Jewish." Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling Everybody!......"

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.
The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things;
Knows not the livid loneliness of fear,
Nor mountain heights where bitter joy can hear the sound of wings." Amelia Earhart

4. 22 sept 05
4a. The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home. "The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

4b. Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." ... ... "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

"There are many trails up the mountain, but in time they all reach the top..... " Anya Seton

4. 15 sept 05
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ. He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

"A little still she strove, and much repented,
and whispering, "I will ne'er consent" - consented...." Lord Byron

4. 8 sept 05
A bloke gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the footpath stopping just short of a brick wall. All is quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The bloke says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much" The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a hearse."

"Throw your dreams into space like a kite,
and you do not know what it will bring back,
a new life, a new friend, a new love, or a new country."... Anais Nin

4. 01 sept 05
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. ""Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: ....... "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

"But over all things brooding slept
The quiet sense of something lost.......... " Alfred Lord Tennyson

4. 25 aug 05
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Time is
Too Slow for those who Wait
Too Swift for those who Fear
Too Long for those who Grieve
Too Short for those who Rejoice
But for those who Love
Time is not. Henry Van Dyke, 1852-1933

4. 18 aug 05
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got in a lift and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the road happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. The one armed man asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? " He said, "I'm NOT f@#*ing happy; I've got an itchy a.r.s.e!"

"We must always be prepared to sacrifice what we are now, for the more beautiful person we can become." Walter Rinder

4. 11 aug 05
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle saying: "Hi, how are you?" ..... now I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" .... What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" OK, this has now got just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Dave O'Neill MUST book this bloke!!!.... true folk music from the heart! ..... http://www.rathergood.com/elephants/

Naked
Naked, you are simple as a hand,
smooth, earthy, small. . . transparent, round.
You have moon lines and apple paths;
Naked, you are slender as the wheat.

Naked, Cuban blue midnight is your color,
Naked, I trace the stars and vines in your hair;
Naked, you are spacious and yellow
As a summer's wholeness in a golden church.

Naked, you are tiny as your fingernail;
Subtle and curved in the rose-coloured dawn
And you withdraw to the underground world

As if down a long tunnel of clothing and of chores:
your clear light dims, gets dressed, drops its leaves,
And becomes a naked hand again. Pablo Neruda (Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto) 1904 - 1973

4. 3 aug 05
This'll probably upset some more people........... you have to adopt the accent

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention. Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer." Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or twinty seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen says, "Well sunce wee've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance." So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!" Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?" Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!" ................ Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream............ "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

More Spring madness.....

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving ....
but this,
in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close. Pablo Neruda (Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto) 1904 - 1973

4. 28 july 05
It is hard to find a joke today without a norty word or two in it, but, here's one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." ...........

There's a touch of spring in the air so here's a little C21 pome today:

Whenas in silks my Julia goes,
Till, then, methinks, how sweetly flows
That liquefaction of her clothes!
Next, when I cast mine eyes, and see
That brave vibration each way free;
O how that glittering taketh me! Robert Herrick, 1591 - 1674

4. 21 july 05
A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush is a rich, ignorant, good-for-nothing imperialist." ..... "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

"Never let persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance....." Anthony J D'Angelo

4. 14 july 05
A letter from the front....
Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm. Tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone. I woz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, coz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack. Nothing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a route march. Geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year. All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target and its a piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload. Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoons got and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringing wet. But I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army. Tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sharon.

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says," Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Are you sick?" No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

"Oft in the tranquil hour of night, When stars illume the sky, I gaze upon each orb of light, And wish that thou wert by......" George Linley

4. 7 july 05
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

Shazza goes into Centrelink in Melton ...... "How many children?" asks the Centrelink worker "10" replies Shazza. "10???" says the Centrelink worker."What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the Centerlink Worker.
"Naah..." says Shazza "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY or WAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker. "That's easy," says Shazza... "I just use their surnames"

"You are my lover and I am your mistress

and kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered and succumbed before now to that mighty combination..... " Violet Trefusis

4. 30 jun 05
A very proper lady from the north shore of Sydney wanted a week's vacation at a South Coast campground, but was concerned about the accommodations. Uppermost in her mind were the toilet facilities, but she was too proper to write "toilet" so she abbreviated "bathroom commode" to "BC" and asked in her letter if the campground had its own "BC". The campground owner was baffled by this euphemism, so he showed it around, but nobody knew what it meant. Finally, someone said, "Oh, that's simple. "BC" means 'Baptist Church'. She's asking whether the campground has its own Baptist Church." So the campground owner sat down and wrote: Dear Madam, I am sorry about the delay in answering your letter, but I am pleased to inform you that a "BC" is located just 10 kms north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the "BC". I would like to say that it pains me greatly not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community...............

"The herd instinct among [financial/economic] forecasters makes sheep look like independent thinkers." .... Edgar R. Fiedler

4. 23 jun 05
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. "She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all-round combination C21 and it's on sale this week for £44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had passed wind. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct...." W. Somerset Maugham

4. 16 jun 05
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy" ..... boom boom

An old gamekeeper was walking round the estate with the lord of the manor. His lordship was SURPRISED and a bit DISGUSTED to see the gamekeeper reach over into the cow's field as they walked past, grab a handful of cow poo and rub it on his lips. "What on earth are doing that for" the lordship asked. "I have chapped lips" "Does it work?" "No but it sure stops me from licking them" ..... boom boom

"Love is the same as like except you feel sexier...." Judith Viorst

4. 9 jun 05
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'"
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of. "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 poun(d)."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch - "You stuck in a ditch ain't no way out."
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a) highway, b) jailhouse, c) empty bed, d) bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places: a) Ashrams, b) gallery openings, c) Ivy League institutions, d) golf courses.
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a) you're older than dirt, b) you're blind, c) you shot a man in Memphis, d) you can't be satisfied. No, if: a) you have all your teeth, b) you were once blind but now can see, c) the man in Memphis lived, d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a) wine, b) whiskey or bourbon, c) muddy water d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) mixed drinks, b) kosher wine, c) snapple or sparkling water.
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie, b) Big Mama, c) Bessie, d) Fat River Dumpling.
17. Some Blues names for men: a) Joe, b) Willie, c) Little Willie, d) Big Willie.
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit): a) a name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame etc.) b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi etc.) c) last name of U.S. President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore etc.). For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
20. I don't care how tragic your life, you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. Now go on.

"Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means." Oscar Wilde

4. 1 jun 05
One against the blokes.......
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s.e.x might just do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical and a little embarrassed, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. Alarms rang throughout the hospital. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure..... could she have choked?".

"Come, sing now, sing; for I know you sing well; I see you have a singing face." Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher 'Wild Goose Chase' (act II, 2)

I'm going to walk the mountain now.... some degrees have emerged with a bright & beautiful sun.....

4. 26 may 05
no good gnu jokes this week so I've resurrected this oldie
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table; because, when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; because, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the a.r.s.e are interchangeable.

"If it moves, fondle it - except porcupines, ball lightning, and policemen." Anonymous

4. 19 may 05
An oldie but a goodie ....
.... and some people won't have heard it....
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times. At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers "We just love the chocolate around them..."

another lovely bit from my latest literary infatuation....

".... for these were houses with open doors, where there was always a hammock hanging and a three meat stew simmering on the stove in case guests arrived before the telegram announcing their arrival, as was almost always the case." - Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "Love in the Time of Cholera"

4. 16th birthday edition
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 Million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in South Philly...." The Godfather says "What did he say??" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

I'm increasingly enamoured of gabriel garcia marquez:

"He repeated until his dying day that there was no one with more common sense, no stonecutter more obstinate, no manager more lucid or dangerous, than a poet." - Love in the Time of Cholera

4.. 050505 we won't see many of those again C21
i'm sure there are some "isms" devotees out there who might tell me what this portends

Why are you all sending me blonde jokes all of a sudden??? ......
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

Some pure logic......"It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the product of a deranged imagination."
Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

..... and some proper logic ...... "To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell."
Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "Love In The Time Of Cholera"

4. 28 apr 05
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

"love is a monsoon" ... Luka Bloom

4. 26 apr 05
A young, newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from corporal relations for one whole month." The couple agreed but after just two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. The young man explained shamefacedly "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, this third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off our carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was so terribly overcome with my need for her that I had my way with her right then and there." ... "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "and we're not welcome at Bunnings either."

4. 21 apr 05
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the Minister asked. "I don't have any" she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight" she replied. "Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell the congregation how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, "I outlived the bitches."

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." Francois de La Rochefoucauld

4. 14 apr 05
The silly bits you all seem to like
This is a very old one but I thort it translated to the Italian very well.
Stand up in your work stations & recite it out loud with all the Neapolitan inflection and passion.........

Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the $300 for the shoes and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo, I do, but how you do know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, be stilla my heart. Pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight, pleasa, pleasa, tella me thisa be true!" Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight." Paolo gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes."

and for all nature lovers...

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too, C21. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet Surprise....... boom boom

"Can miles truly separate you from friends....If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?...." Richard Bach

4. 7 apr 05
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Macquarie Fields. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Macquarie Fields area were able to remove set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment. John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for..... At the crew's first practice session, the Macquarie Fields pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Racing Team for 6 slabs of Tooheys, a kilogram of speed, 2 kilos of hydroponic buds and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.

Wouldn't it be cool to be able to tell people you were going to "Masbate", an island in the central Philippines, between Negros and Luzon........

"love is a monsoon" ... Luka Bloom

ps 21 mar 05
There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter "Dat's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" C21 "You're right, mon ami!" says Henri. So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques. "Jacques!! Jacques!! Que ce qui se passe?" (Jacques!! What is happening??) With his dying breath Jacques calls out... "Ugh, run mon ami, run! Dat's not a Bacon Tree!" "Dat's......" "Dat's....... (You're not going to like this) "Dat's......... a.... Ham bush!!

Skip straight to item 4 NFF edition 21 mar 05

Joe Buttons sat in a corner at Dickson shops playing his concertina. A policeman demanded to see his busking licence. Joe admitted he didn't have one. "Right," said the officer."You'll have to accompany me." .... "OK," shrugged Joe, "What do you want to sing?"

Most festival goers will relate to this one even if it is an oldie.........
A very proper lady from the north shore of Sydney wanted a week's vacation at a South Coast campground, but was concerned about the accommodations. Uppermost in her mind were the toilet facilities, but she was too proper to write "toilet" so she abbreviated "bathroom commode" to "BC" and asked in her letter if the campground had its own "BC". The campground owner was baffled by this euphemism, so he showed it around, but nobody knew what it meant. Finally, someone said, "Oh, that's simple. "BC" means 'Baptist Church'. She's asking whether the campground has its own Baptist Church." So the campground owner sat down and wrote: Dear Madam, I am sorry about the delay in answering your letter, but I am pleased to inform you that a "BC" is located just 10 kms north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the "BC". I would like to say that it pains me greatly not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

"Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be." Robert Browning

4. 10 mar 05
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Pre-National party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, “Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening" You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away...." Anon.

4. 3 mar 05
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. Dorothy says, "That nice Joe asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." "Well," Edna says, "I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car -- a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner -- lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show ... let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me... twice!" Dorothy, surprised, says, "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" "No, no, no. I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" - 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of s.h.i.t it can no longer fly.

"The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence." Edward Thomas

4. 24 feb 05
Adopt an Irish accent and assume the position..........
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner an' me had a foight," says Paddy. "That little snit, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you! He must 'ave 'ad something in his hand." "Oh that he did, that he did" says Paddy, "a fookin' shovel is what he 'ad, and a terrible lickin' he's given me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" ...... "Ohhh that I did, that I certainly did" said Paddy. " 'twas Mrs. O'Conner's left breast, and what a thing of beauty it was!....... but utterly useless in a foight,"

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin' to me. There's no paper on this side either."

"Englishmen will never be slaves; they are free to do whatever the government and public opinion allow them to do." George Bernard Shaw

4. 17 feb 05
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down...... 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy..... Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly."...... Rose Franken

4. 10 feb 05
Fred retires out to the country. One Saturday evening, he feels like a beer, and so makes his way to the local pub, and parks himself at the business end of a crisp schooner, and settles down. He's hardly half way through, and in through the door come a bunch of characters, decked out in cricket gear, all looking pretty glum and dispirited. They order beers in a quiet way, and sit, staring in their beer, thinking of what might have been. Fred asks the publican -- "They look a bit unhappy. When's the funeral?" The publican, polishing glasses in the approved fashion says - "Well, they're the town cricket team. None of the young kids are interested, but these blokes dont want to let the team die and they get their a.r.s.e.s kicked, week in a week out. Happens every summer". "Well, thats a bit crook", says Fred. One of the players says "You say its a bit crook, but you live in this town, we didnt see you out there barracking for us, and whats more, why dont you play?". His team mates murmour in agreement. Fred's is a little embarrassed, and tries to get out of it, but he cant very well claim he is too old, because some of this team make him look sprightly. "Err, well, I dont play much anymore", is the best he can manage. The team captain wanders over, and looks Fred up and down. "You dont look so bad, you should come and play. We're short next week". Well, to cut a long story marginally shorter, they persuade Fred to turn out for them the following week. "What time do I get there?" Fred asks. "10:00 sharp" the reply. "Well, I might be 15 minutes late" replies Fred. "10:00 sharp" they repeated. The following week, is the big day, and Fred turns up. He's in his old creams, which barely fits him, and he gets over to the pavilion. The team captain shakes his hand and thanks him for turning up. "Glad you could make it Fred. What do you do?" Fred thinks about it, and says he can do a bit of everything. bowling, batting whatever. The coin is tossed, and Fred's team wins, and they decide to bat. Fred is asked whether he bats right or left-handed. "Right handed" says Fred. Well, things go reasonably well. they send Fred in to open, and he carries his bat, scores a ton - hitting to all points of the compass and every bit in between. They make 180 in their 50 overs, which is a pretty defendable score. After lunch, Fred is tossed the new ball. "You said you could bowl, and Cec over there has got arthritis playing him up" "Its been a few years" says Fred. But gives it his best shot - and would you credit it, bowling right handed, takes 5 for 22 off his 10, and most of the opposition not putting willow to leather. Takes a couple of screamers in slips too. Unbelievable. Well, Fred's team sails home. The boys decide that a celebration is in order. Back they go to the pub, and have the time of their lives. The team captain corners Fred. "Where have you played?" "Well, I played a fair bit at Uni - first grade, then a bit in the Shield for NSW, but decided I wasn't really going to crack the test team, and took a day job. Kept playing grade for a bit" "Can you play next week" "Struth, I dont know" "C'mon Fred, you are the find of the century" "Well, alright, but what time do I have to be there" "Same time as today - 10:00 sharp" "OK, but I might be 15 minutes late" "Whatever, just make sure that you turn up". Fred goes home, and then the next week finds him back at the cricket ground, 10:00 sharp. The game starts, and Fred repeats his glories of the previous week, only better. But heres a thing, this week he bats and pitches LEFT handed. Scores another ton not out and takes another 5 for not many. Another victory. Back at the pub, and Fred cant buy a drink all night. He is feted, and made to retell the game over and over to townsfolk (and disgruntled wives) who drop by. The captain bails up Fred in a quiet corner. "Mate, you are absholutely fanstashtic - but las' week you did everything right handed, and this week, left handed. How does that work?" Fred says - "I'm ambidextrous, can use either side" Theres a pause, and the captain goes on "Well, how do you decide which one to use" "My wife decides", says Fred "Your wife?" "Yes, my wife. On the morning of a game, I wake up and have a look at her. If she's sleeping on her right side I play right handed, and if she's sleeping on her left, I play left handed", said Fred. "OK.....but what if she's on her back" "Like I keep telling you", said Fred "I might be 15 minutes late".

"I always carry gelignite; dynamite isn't safe...." Brendan Behan

4. 03 feb 05
A woman receives a fax from her husband: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed as I shall be home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michel my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".

'Tis time to fear when tyrants seem to kiss" .... Pericles, 1. 2

4. 28 jan 05
4d. Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin......... At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air....... Phew! The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands..... In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to where he knows the other should be and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

4. 27 jan 05
WARNING This scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and starts to wash your windscreen. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them anywhere at all on Sunday.

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

A guy went to the Tax Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" "Yes, I served in Vietnam." "Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?" "I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work though." "Sorry to hear about your damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are from 8 to 4. Come in about 10 and we'll get you started." "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?" "Well, this is a government organization. We just sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in your coming in for that."

4. 20 jan 05
A young woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy... nudge, nudge, wink, wink" The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."

a mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. it was simply addressed, 'mum'.... with the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands;
dear mum, it is with great regret and sorrow that i'm writing to you. i had to elope with my new boyfriend, john because i wanted to avoid a scene with dad and you. i've been finding real passion with john and he is so nice, even though he is 54, divorced [i think] and on parole, and also with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. but it's not only the passion mum, i'm pregnant and john said that he will take care of me and we will be very happy. he already [nearly] owns a caravan on the outskirts of wagga and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. he wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. john taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and also for trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. in the meantime, i ask that you pray that science will find a cure for aids so john can get better; he sure deserves it.... don't worry mum, i'm nearly 15 years old now and i know how to take care of myself. some day i'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. your daughter, nicky ........ ps; none of the above is true. i'm next door. i just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer. i love you.... please call me when it is safe for me to come home......n

meanwhile:
(an oldie but a goodie)
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that s.h.i.t."

4. Sleigh Gnus 24 dec04
What are some good names for Gnus that pull a sleigh?........ Gnudolph, ....... ?????

Christmas Hugs for all of youse

4. 8 dec 04
Some Rools 4 Youse:

Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mince. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO ..what a ride!"

Have a great Holiday C2!

Stay Safe & Go Gently Museos............C21